She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
