she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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