I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
