I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
