just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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