this just has baby written all over it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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