2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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