just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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