I've blown a few things in my day
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
