I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
