so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
