Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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