were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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