So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
