new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
