my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
