I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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