Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
