she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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