Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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