high people should be assigned attendants
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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