Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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