i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
