Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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