She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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