weddingsv make me drug and hornr
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
