I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
false alarm. still invincible.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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