Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
