My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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