Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
