I CAN MOONWALK!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
