Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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