I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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