We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
