Ambien. No doubt about it.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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