She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
