If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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