maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
