I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
