Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
