I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I cut my penus on the lid.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
