how can u be prego again
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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