If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
