I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
