So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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