My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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