Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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