The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Randomize
