nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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