i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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